Ha Long Bay and Kittens

Hi there folks

Another few weeks of my life just disappeared quicker than you can say  ‘dead already. Its been an eventful few weeks with trips north and south, parties and dossers, pets and dead pets and of course several buckets of perspiration.

Lets start with the most important thing. You are now reading the letter written by Da Nangs number one champion Sandcastle sculptor (we actually came second but it was totally rigged) you may now take a moment to bathe in my glory ………….. Last Sunday 75 teams of four walked out in near inferno conditions with shovel and hat, slaved away for 3 hours to produce a line of epic sandcastles to raise awareness for safe beach fun (condoms and sand just don’t mix). Our team, Team Slap and Tickle was an international ensemble featuring Jules and I (NZ) and Dan and Meg (USA) Our mission was to create a six meter water buffalo with wings and fire coming from it’s ass. This was a tricky creation to explain to the locals. One girl asked if these kinds of Buffalo lived in the forest in NZ. Maybe she had been to the Ranui markets on a Sunday morning? Team slap and tickle walked away with a new fandangled boogie board, one million dong cheque ($60) for a meal at the Mecure Hotel and four crippled old ruined bodies. Also, I think I got sand in my vagina as I was pretty cranky the next day and resembled some kind of rigamortis mushroom.

Last weekend Jules and I hopped up to Hanoi for a wee looksy. Jules had some Visa stuff to take care of and I felt like wandering around sweat soaked markets smelling poos and wees.  We took the overnight train up which was like a prison on tracks. Four beds to a room. It was all fun and games until you wanted to go to the loo. Each time I went I walked away feeling like I had just pashed a toilet brush. Hanoi was great, mad, but great. Got to look at a lot of galleries and shops and I am finally starting to get my head around making my products here. I also picked up my daily four-mozzie bites. I am constantly scratching and realized that four bites a day are 1460 bites a year. Eventually that will pretty much make me half mozzie on my sister’s uncle’s side.

When we got to Hanoi we decided to take a 2-day cruise around Ha Long bay. We met up with our 10 shipmates. Scandi’s, Poms, Aussies and Vietnamese and set sale into the beautiful sea along with the other 250 boats. It was actually quite stunning and once we got going all the boats started to disperse off into their own little areas. The boat was really cool equipped with a bar and dining room. The rooms had aircon and showers and soon everyone was swimming, fishing, kayaking and spelunking.

On our return to Hanoi we met up with Jules’s friends for a home cooked Indian meal and goodness gracious me was it not splendid and indeed eaten with much merriment.

We took the train back again to catch some more germs and invited 4 of the Scandis to doss at our place. Our spare room upstairs was so hot it was like one big Sauna. I had been thinking for a while that I would like to turn it into a Swedish Sauna and whataya know.

They had a great 3 days at ours, we laughed we cried we drowned a kitten.  Unfortunately that last bit was no joke. Jules and I adopted a tiny street kitten with the Abola virus. The next morning it just kept vomiting and crawling off into the corner to die. Finally I couldn’t handle the long drawn out cruelty so I filled a bucket with water and put it out of its misery. Unfortunately what I didn’t know was this kitten was actually Claude, Vietnams champion free diver kitten that could hold his breath forever. I am now pretty much scarred for life. At one point I think I cried out “will you drown already”

So no more strays allowed. There has been a lot more going on. Basically every time we step out the door something weird or interesting happens. I have finally worked out the traffic situation. It is absolutely brilliant. Basically the Vietnamese have scrapped all road rules thus totally making the ‘dumb ass’ driver obsolete. No rules, no rules to break and no one to get angry at. At home I am always yelling at some dumb ass that does not know the road rules. If there are no rules then you cannot yell at anyone. Brilliant.

So it’s now time to wash off my 3 layers of sweat. Hope you guys are all good.

Shann and Jules

Our Home in Da Nang

So here we are,

Da Nang AKA China Beach. 30 km of white sand and clear blue water, and deserted between the hours of 9am and 4pm. For a Vietnamese female, inhabiting the beach between these hours would mean the possibility of a small fraction of skin getting slightly brown thus making her look like a peasant farmer and rendering her obsolete from the marriage pool. However, once the sun begins to set, fifty thousand locals come down to the beach in their jeans and t-shirts and swim (fully clothed) between the flags. From a distance it looks like someone has spilled a giant pack of raisins in a tub. At 4.30pm they play music at 1 million decibels through small tiny megaphones. The other day it took 15 minutes to play a rendition of ‘lemon tree’ as it kept cutting out so they kept starting it again. The music is interrupted by the news, which by the stares we get is broadcasting the arrival of two international Kiwis with food on their faces.

Hardly anyone speaks English here and our Vietnamese is coming along like a cat learning how to speak dog. The same words that mean 10 different things pronounced 10 different ways. I am a face paint away from looking like Marcel Marso on a daily basis. The people that do speak a little bit of English are really eager to learn and love to sit down with us during dinner to chat. They are so friendly and often yell HELLO into your face. Or they will try out what ever phrases they know, like the other day a guy said “Hello, What’s your name” I said Shann and he said “ What the fuck” and continued to ask the question as he strolled up the beach.

I have a pet fly, his name is Gerard. I love him so much. He follows me everywhere. I often shoo him away in jest but he just lands back on me. If I catch him one day I am going to rip his wings off and feed them to him.

Jules and I went and looked at a couple of houses today. One was too dark and did not have a sink. The other one was so big we could have started a roller derby downstairs and pretty much not have heard it if we were upstairs. We have a Polish guy named Peter looking around for us who does not have a wolf but does have a good grasp on expat properties in the Da Nang area so we hope to find something soon. For now we are holed up on the 5^th floor at the Sea Wonder hotel. It is neither by the sea nor does it conjure up any wonder as it suggests but it is comfortable and has more staff than occupants. One in particular is Huong or lady perfume (her name means perfume) She is a chatty we thing with a heart of gold.

Took my first motorbike ride at peak hour today. It was pretty much like being in the millennium falcon in an asteroid field accept we were on a nifty fifty and the all the asteroids were trying to pass us. Jules will be having a lesson soon at 3am at the far end of town in an abandoned car park……..and I think I may have to start her off on a trolley. Jules starts work in a couple of weeks but has a day relieving at the local International School on Friday. This is good news as she will be now top of mind once they start back in July after the holidays. We probably have to go to Hanoi this week end as Jules needs a working Visa stamp in her passport. I look forward to seeing the capital and we will probably go to Hao long bay for a looksy. Anyhoo, having lots of fun. Trying to get settled and laughing a lot. Hope you are all well.

Shann and Jules

Da Lang a lang

I sit here typing as Julia TV remotes her self through 60 channels of Vietnamese soap operas. I’m not sure what they are about but there always seems to be mass wailing and woe. Just like Young and the Restless just with cardboard sets and of course in Vietnamese. We are now in our new flat. 100sqm, 2 floors, two bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, fully furnished with garden and fishpond for a whopping $350 a month. Granted at this point of time we have no functional water supply and are bathing rather bashfully in a little red plastic bowl. The day we moved in Jules found a huge cockroach in our room. It had been there a while as it had a moustache and was smoking a cigar. When I chased down the hall I noticed it had a tee shirt that read ‘ Who will be laughing when the nuclear holocaust comes’ we also have a pet rat that comes into the yard each day. Jules still thinks it’s a small dog but I pointed out to her that small dogs don’t wear eye patches.

We have no water because it has been a holiday for the last two days and all plumbers are either drunk or sleeping on planks of wood. Yesterday was Vietnam reunification day. The monumental day when the Northern tanks defeated the USA and smashed into the Ho Chi Minh City Palace taking their southern brothers into a deep embrace. Wait, hang on, first the Southerners were sent to the “Re education” Camps then they all embraced. I wonder how some of the Southerners feel about this holiday, as many families would still have fathers and grandfathers that fought along side the Americans.  To celebrate this weekend Da Nang held the first champion of champions’ fireworks competition. France, Italy, Canada, China and Vietnam. After the smoke had cleared and the millions dispersed I am still not sure who won. I am sure however that some little fireworks factory in China will be having an extra helping of Ping Pong Quaaaar this year. Jules and I were once again on display. We had our photos taken, we were asked questions about how old we were and why we were not married. We were even asked to take photos of people with us with our cameras? Jules even got asked home by a drunken safety officer with 3 teeth and an open purple shirt. Why she turned those gums down I will never know. So it was spectacular time and we had a group of friends up from Hoi An staying at ours to celebrate with.

We are slowly acclimatizing to both the food and heat. It was 38C the other day and my hair caught fire. I now look like Stevie Wonder (forgot to tell you I have had braid extensions) Jules and I had our first bad meal tonight down some back alley. You know the saying ‘Pigs snouts and assholes’ Well I'm pretty sure my broth winked at me when I puckered my lips.

We had a big surprise party for an American friend on Friday night. It was a family affair with heaps of kids and expats. There are quite a few families here mostly from Aussie, NZ and USA. Jules starts work next week, which she is looking forward to. Its been about 5 months since she last worked and today she was watching Justin Bieber on TV which I read somewhere is a sure sign of mental illness.

In a couple of days we are taking the train up to the capital Hanoi to visit Hau Long Bay and get a bit cultural on it. Apparently there are coffee shops where girls in bikinis serve you coffee. Jules has kindly pointed out that this is neither cultural nor fair trade.

So we are well and truly ensconced in Vietnamese life. I can say hello and can count to ten now so I am pretty much an integrated citizen. So its now time for my sponge bath. Dad would say that the little red bucket I am about to bathe in was built like the town hall…..not enough ballroom. But then you could say that about most of the buildings I frequent.

Until next time

Shann and Jules

Adventurous Beginnings

I have woken up to today not quite sure what the day or date is which means that I am well and truly on holiday now. This will end shortly when we arrive in Da Nang and Jules reports to teaching duty. As for me well I will have to smarten up my act and start to plan a bit of a time line. I thought instead of trying to tell you what we have been doing the past two weeks I would just tell you about our favourite day that transpired a couple days ago. The perfect day.

We were in Na Trang, a long stretch of beach where it seems the Russians go to spread their massive white carcasses across the sand to burn like Baltic whales. That morning we chose ‘Lanterns’ as our place for our standard muesli with fruit, orange juice, coffee and a slice of toast with our jar of traveling vegemite. No marmageddon here folks. This for all three dollars each.

As we munched on breakfast we were accosted by the usual bunch of street vendors selling books, sunglasses, Vietnamese paintings and small orphaned babies. We had decided to hire a moped so we could explore the local mountains. In particular the local Mud baths and hot springs. Jules had what was commonly known in backpacker circles as the ‘squirts’ or runny bottom so we thought the mud baths would be a brilliant place to visit thus disguising any unfortunate accident that might occur. So we hopped on our motorbike and joined the other 60 million motorbikes that take the streets everyday. So there we were. I was like Dennis hopper in Easy Rider cruising down the high way with the wind in my hair only we were on a 50cc Honda Wave and it was the Na Trang coastline not Route 66.

We wound ourselves up the small streets to the Mud baths where we were greeted by a small morning crowd. Once we negotiated our way through the ticketing process that consisted of purchasing the ticket, taking two steps giving the ticket to the ticket ripper, walking  20 metres, presenting the ticket to gather another ticket to receive a towel, turn around to another counter to present our ticket to receive our towel and locker key. Once we got changed we went to enter the mud bath area…….doh! needed our ticket, which we left in our locker.

We spent the morning soaking in mud, then hot water, then cold water and man made hot waterfalls. It was a great relaxing place to spend the morning. We concluded that it also doubled as a Russian white whale sanctuary. Russians are big big people and some of the Russian women that bathed that day looked like they had attached a couple of basketballs in stockings to their chests.

After our soak we hit the highway again powering along at an impressive 40km per hour while 10 ton trucks sped past us blowing smoke in our face. We were on the hunt for the elusive Baho Waterfall. It was an off road track that we finally found that consisted of ducks, and dogs, small children yelling ‘Hello’ every two metres. Adults smiling and probably telling us that we looked stupid and to cover up. Just a side note……Jules and I dress in our daily tee shirt and shorts, as it is about 30 degrees out and sweat pours from every orifice. I think the local girls think we are crazy as they saunter around in jeans, a hoody, with the hood over their heads and a mask to keep out the germs or sun or exhaust or perhaps its some new fandangled hip hop gangster thing?

So we found the waterfall and had one of those deserved swims only a sweat-laden person can have. On the way back we stopped to watch the sunset in a local fishing village. Drinking beer and eating little prawn crackers. The day was finished where it was started, at Lanterns restaurant, eating a creamy tofu curry and caramelized onion and pork slow cooked in a clay pot. So there you have it, our perfect day and Jules didn’t even shit herself.  We have had a few more great days since I started writing this email and are now in Hoi An which by the looks of thing, we may spend a week here. We are loving Vietnam. The sights and especially the smells. There’s the fish mixed with poo smell. The steamed rice and poo smell. The BBQ and poo and my favourite poo and poo which stays with you for a while. Right so on that note I must say goodbye. Will be in touch soon with more stories.

Shann and Jules